The whole 'retire TO something' industry is a cottage industry in disguise — it just repackages the old performance anxiety in a new costume. You swapped a commute for a purpose quest, and somehow that's still not enough. At 67, I'm beginning to suspect the days you just exist without producing anything aren't wasted. They might actually be the point. More reflections on what retirement really looks like at theoldgreythinker.substack.com.
That line wrote itself, Elizabeth. There’s a whole industry built on making us feel the diary should always be full. Sometimes the most honest thing you can do is just sit with the empty afternoon.
That point about car travel is spot on. When I left my heavy commute life in Los Angeles, it was like rediscovering my own human pace.
Some of that purpose stuff is about filling that vacuum created when you leave an all-consuming job. Trying to fill that void with another all-consuming thing misses the point a bit. We aren’t just one thing as children, we are encouraged to try different things and see what resonates. Maybe we get to be like that again.
Agreed! I mean, if you have something special that you always wanted to "retire to," then good for you I guess. But many of us with full time plus jobs just....can't do that. All you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, and step off the abyss and discover it for yourself. It's been about four years now since I left full time work just before my 50th birthday, and my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. Can't believe I wasted so much time worrying about how it would work. It all works out.
The one thing I still struggle with, though, is this constant need to feel productive and have something to show for my time. I'm trying to slow down and not focus on having measurable results for how I spend my time, but after working since I was a teenager it's just hard to break out of that mindset. One day at a time 😎
Yes it’s definitely more of a mind game you’re right. I sometimes feel “bad” for not feeling that bad for not being “productive.” But I like to remind myself of all the years I spent striving and over-functioning, which means I’m due years more of sloth before the scales are even in balance, much less out of whack. 🍻
I would add one thing to focus on - that is still in keeping with all the great things you just mentioned - and that is Get Out of the House As Much As Possible!
Exercise at a gym
You can also relax at local parks & coffee shops, though I love to chill at home too
Rebuild and build relationships IRL as they say. Sure you can text, call, email and use social media, but nothing can beat in-person connections and real hugs & laughter.
Sure you can paint or do crafty things at home, but strive to get out there for in-person classes, go to maker spaces and get ideas from attending local craft fairs. Host parties or book clubs, whatever your thing is. Be open and friendly wherever you go. Volunteer in your local community and consider being some kind of mentor. I spend an enormous amount of time as a Scoutmaster with my sons' local Boy Scout Troop. Teaching financial literacy to young people is one of the most important things we collectively can do!
I read long ago that the types of people who have both the mindsets & the follow through to truly retire early tend to be concentrated in professions like finance, accounting & engineering. These are professions where things like logic, planning, attention to detail, contingency management, long term thinking and other skills are at a premium. And let's face it, stereotypically these professions attract those more on the introverted scale.
So really make it a point to get out of your house and your comfort zone! Especially if you do not have kids still at home or a spouse/partner that is really looking forward to being an active companion on this journey.
I totally agree! And I think living in a walkable area is a real advantage for this. On at least a weekly basis I think “I would never come here/do this if I had to get in the car and drive and park.” But I can walk to my gym, grocery store, bars and restaurants, nail salon, and several parks. So I get out and interact with people WAY more than I’m naturally inclined to otherwise.
I mean… studies consistently show that strong purpose correlates with lower mortality risk and lower incidence of dementia and cognitive decline. Skip it if you want, I guess, but I’d encourage you to reconsider.
This is a great point, and I do want to clarify that I’m not anti-purpose. I’m just arguing that you don’t have to have it all figured out before retiring - or starting a career for that matter. New grads also get urged to find/have a purpose before acting. I think it’s the opposite: in taking action we have the best hope of developing / refining purpose. I don’t think most people can think their way there or that it’s a prerequisite for making big decisions. (However I do also think you can be healthy and whole without an overarching sense of driving purpose - or at least that that “purpose” can and should change over time. The concept itself is nebulous and often overblown.)
Yes I think you’re hitting exactly what I meant when I said sometimes it may be beneficial not to have a “purpose” - because then you’re potentially more open to continuing to learn, grow and change. Not to mention more likely to actually pull the trigger! You don’t have to have it all figured out first (spoiler - we probably never will).
I like this a lot because it pushes back on the tyranny of “purpose” without making retirement sound passive or empty. Maybe the better word is not purpose but allocation. After decades of over-weighting career, productivity, and external validation, retirement gives you a chance to rebalance into sleep, movement, relationships, curiosity, play, and values. That may not fit the heroic “find your mission” script, but it sounds a lot more human — and probably a lot more sustainable.
I love this. I often think of this in terms of the nervous system. What practices or habits do you think made it possible for your nervous system to feel settled in not having a purpose or being able to sit and read all day? Or was it something else entirely?
Honestly I think it was mainly the inevitable pendulum swing from years of anxiety and over-functioning - and a silver lining of getting f’d by my boss and my husband despite my high performance and ending up so angry and burned out that I finally decided to raise a middle finger and just let all the balls drop. If things had been good or even just ok I may have continued striving and gradually frying my nervous system indefinitely. Also, obvi, I’m totally enlightened now. 🤣
I am very pleased to read this. I too have heard the "retire to" something advice for years and, as I near my retirement, was a bit worried that I didn't seem to have any huge purpose in mind to occupy my days. Being incredibly introverted, I'm actually quite comfortable with a lack of plans or activities, though, so your experience is reassuring.
Also love this: "...experiment with sobriety or veganism (not high on my list..)" Ha!
LOVE this. Having retired myself, your march article of “giving myself a fake job” found me guilty of doing the same. That was until, a few weeks ago, when I felt comfortable telling folks, “i’m retired”.
maybe the “purpose” of life in retirement is to meander a bit more than we ever did in our 20s and 30s. It reminded me of the time my wife and I were in Paris for our honeymoon and we settled on two simple rules - eat at restaurants that had menus only in french (even though we aren’t native speakers) and never take the same way back to the hotel. The first rule made us uncomfortable but it was always met with deliciousness. The second rule allowed us to discover the myriad awesomeness of the streets in Paris we never knew existed.
I’ve noticed that driven people generally put themselves in uncomfortable situations at work and it often results in growth. However, they seldom meander, explore, or tinker - off the beaten path - when they’re building a career. Retirement is allowing me to catch up on my long disregarded friend, meandering.
I love this! I sometimes admit to being retired as well, but it depends on the audience for sure. Congrats on your success! Meandering is highly underrated. :)
Passion brings purpose... after a lifetime of wondering about it, I took up motorcycling at age fifty-six. I won't live without it, now. Though not retired yet, I KNOW what I'll be doing with all that free time I'll have when I finally step away.
Odd how I started seeing this post getting mentioned in multiple places, first Ben Carlson and then Nick Magguilli. This post made me think of a podcast from the Mad Fientist, where he mentioned overshooting his goal. He said he could do those "dream" things besides his job, but thought he used his job as an excuse not to do so. Even though I'm only 30, I'm trying to add some of the things mentioned in your post in my own life. It's not always doable with a full-time job, but you need some non-goal oriented time in your life. With my hobbies etc. I'm sometimes wondering how people even get the time to find a partner and invest time in them, which I guess is something people often take for granted until they grow apart. I don't have the patience for Tinder swipes, but a long talk, read or hobby oriented thing fares much better.
I did end up retiring to something, stewarding my lamb via regenerative farming. However, I'm glad to hear you are happy and living a good life without so many goals and purposes. Everyone can choose for themselves. I'm also single, child free and love that freedom.
As an old retired guy, I share your sentiments. Many people confuse being busy with a purpose. Realizing that life is a great gift and savoring it doesn't require major goals and activities. I was an executive in tech.
When I first retired I sought endorphin highs from travel but after awhile I began to see why heroin addicts get a diminishing high from their drug and are constantly seeking to recreate that first high. Better to just enjoy the moment as much as possible while you still have them and put some effort in a moderate fashion building for the future.
I retired a year ago and have been preaching this. Our society so focused on production and goal attainment. Retirement has been for me my first time as an adult to truly not worry about such things. No more performance reviews!
The whole 'retire TO something' industry is a cottage industry in disguise — it just repackages the old performance anxiety in a new costume. You swapped a commute for a purpose quest, and somehow that's still not enough. At 67, I'm beginning to suspect the days you just exist without producing anything aren't wasted. They might actually be the point. More reflections on what retirement really looks like at theoldgreythinker.substack.com.
“You swapped a commute for a purpose quest, and somehow that’s still not enough.” ❤️🙌🏻
That line wrote itself, Elizabeth. There’s a whole industry built on making us feel the diary should always be full. Sometimes the most honest thing you can do is just sit with the empty afternoon.
That point about car travel is spot on. When I left my heavy commute life in Los Angeles, it was like rediscovering my own human pace.
Some of that purpose stuff is about filling that vacuum created when you leave an all-consuming job. Trying to fill that void with another all-consuming thing misses the point a bit. We aren’t just one thing as children, we are encouraged to try different things and see what resonates. Maybe we get to be like that again.
Agreed! I mean, if you have something special that you always wanted to "retire to," then good for you I guess. But many of us with full time plus jobs just....can't do that. All you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, and step off the abyss and discover it for yourself. It's been about four years now since I left full time work just before my 50th birthday, and my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. Can't believe I wasted so much time worrying about how it would work. It all works out.
The one thing I still struggle with, though, is this constant need to feel productive and have something to show for my time. I'm trying to slow down and not focus on having measurable results for how I spend my time, but after working since I was a teenager it's just hard to break out of that mindset. One day at a time 😎
Yes it’s definitely more of a mind game you’re right. I sometimes feel “bad” for not feeling that bad for not being “productive.” But I like to remind myself of all the years I spent striving and over-functioning, which means I’m due years more of sloth before the scales are even in balance, much less out of whack. 🍻
Great article and super solid advice Elizabeth!
I would add one thing to focus on - that is still in keeping with all the great things you just mentioned - and that is Get Out of the House As Much As Possible!
Exercise at a gym
You can also relax at local parks & coffee shops, though I love to chill at home too
Rebuild and build relationships IRL as they say. Sure you can text, call, email and use social media, but nothing can beat in-person connections and real hugs & laughter.
Sure you can paint or do crafty things at home, but strive to get out there for in-person classes, go to maker spaces and get ideas from attending local craft fairs. Host parties or book clubs, whatever your thing is. Be open and friendly wherever you go. Volunteer in your local community and consider being some kind of mentor. I spend an enormous amount of time as a Scoutmaster with my sons' local Boy Scout Troop. Teaching financial literacy to young people is one of the most important things we collectively can do!
I read long ago that the types of people who have both the mindsets & the follow through to truly retire early tend to be concentrated in professions like finance, accounting & engineering. These are professions where things like logic, planning, attention to detail, contingency management, long term thinking and other skills are at a premium. And let's face it, stereotypically these professions attract those more on the introverted scale.
So really make it a point to get out of your house and your comfort zone! Especially if you do not have kids still at home or a spouse/partner that is really looking forward to being an active companion on this journey.
I totally agree! And I think living in a walkable area is a real advantage for this. On at least a weekly basis I think “I would never come here/do this if I had to get in the car and drive and park.” But I can walk to my gym, grocery store, bars and restaurants, nail salon, and several parks. So I get out and interact with people WAY more than I’m naturally inclined to otherwise.
I mean… studies consistently show that strong purpose correlates with lower mortality risk and lower incidence of dementia and cognitive decline. Skip it if you want, I guess, but I’d encourage you to reconsider.
This is a great point, and I do want to clarify that I’m not anti-purpose. I’m just arguing that you don’t have to have it all figured out before retiring - or starting a career for that matter. New grads also get urged to find/have a purpose before acting. I think it’s the opposite: in taking action we have the best hope of developing / refining purpose. I don’t think most people can think their way there or that it’s a prerequisite for making big decisions. (However I do also think you can be healthy and whole without an overarching sense of driving purpose - or at least that that “purpose” can and should change over time. The concept itself is nebulous and often overblown.)
I think the thing is to not be as goal oriented as we were preretirement.
In my case, before I retired I become comfortable with the idea that I didn't know what I didn't know.
Once I came to that conclusion, retirement was a way for me to invest more time into the stuff I didn't know yet, but wanted to learn more about.
As for the stuff I did know, like how much I enjoy exercise, retirement has allowed me to do more of that too.
Win-Win.
Yes I think you’re hitting exactly what I meant when I said sometimes it may be beneficial not to have a “purpose” - because then you’re potentially more open to continuing to learn, grow and change. Not to mention more likely to actually pull the trigger! You don’t have to have it all figured out first (spoiler - we probably never will).
I like this a lot because it pushes back on the tyranny of “purpose” without making retirement sound passive or empty. Maybe the better word is not purpose but allocation. After decades of over-weighting career, productivity, and external validation, retirement gives you a chance to rebalance into sleep, movement, relationships, curiosity, play, and values. That may not fit the heroic “find your mission” script, but it sounds a lot more human — and probably a lot more sustainable.
I love this. I often think of this in terms of the nervous system. What practices or habits do you think made it possible for your nervous system to feel settled in not having a purpose or being able to sit and read all day? Or was it something else entirely?
Honestly I think it was mainly the inevitable pendulum swing from years of anxiety and over-functioning - and a silver lining of getting f’d by my boss and my husband despite my high performance and ending up so angry and burned out that I finally decided to raise a middle finger and just let all the balls drop. If things had been good or even just ok I may have continued striving and gradually frying my nervous system indefinitely. Also, obvi, I’m totally enlightened now. 🤣
Yeah I guess the silver lining of all that fuckery is that the flimsiness of the narrative of achievement is pretty clearly revealed!!!
I am very pleased to read this. I too have heard the "retire to" something advice for years and, as I near my retirement, was a bit worried that I didn't seem to have any huge purpose in mind to occupy my days. Being incredibly introverted, I'm actually quite comfortable with a lack of plans or activities, though, so your experience is reassuring.
Also love this: "...experiment with sobriety or veganism (not high on my list..)" Ha!
LOVE this. Having retired myself, your march article of “giving myself a fake job” found me guilty of doing the same. That was until, a few weeks ago, when I felt comfortable telling folks, “i’m retired”.
maybe the “purpose” of life in retirement is to meander a bit more than we ever did in our 20s and 30s. It reminded me of the time my wife and I were in Paris for our honeymoon and we settled on two simple rules - eat at restaurants that had menus only in french (even though we aren’t native speakers) and never take the same way back to the hotel. The first rule made us uncomfortable but it was always met with deliciousness. The second rule allowed us to discover the myriad awesomeness of the streets in Paris we never knew existed.
I’ve noticed that driven people generally put themselves in uncomfortable situations at work and it often results in growth. However, they seldom meander, explore, or tinker - off the beaten path - when they’re building a career. Retirement is allowing me to catch up on my long disregarded friend, meandering.
I love this! I sometimes admit to being retired as well, but it depends on the audience for sure. Congrats on your success! Meandering is highly underrated. :)
Passion brings purpose... after a lifetime of wondering about it, I took up motorcycling at age fifty-six. I won't live without it, now. Though not retired yet, I KNOW what I'll be doing with all that free time I'll have when I finally step away.
Odd how I started seeing this post getting mentioned in multiple places, first Ben Carlson and then Nick Magguilli. This post made me think of a podcast from the Mad Fientist, where he mentioned overshooting his goal. He said he could do those "dream" things besides his job, but thought he used his job as an excuse not to do so. Even though I'm only 30, I'm trying to add some of the things mentioned in your post in my own life. It's not always doable with a full-time job, but you need some non-goal oriented time in your life. With my hobbies etc. I'm sometimes wondering how people even get the time to find a partner and invest time in them, which I guess is something people often take for granted until they grow apart. I don't have the patience for Tinder swipes, but a long talk, read or hobby oriented thing fares much better.
I did end up retiring to something, stewarding my lamb via regenerative farming. However, I'm glad to hear you are happy and living a good life without so many goals and purposes. Everyone can choose for themselves. I'm also single, child free and love that freedom.
As an old retired guy, I share your sentiments. Many people confuse being busy with a purpose. Realizing that life is a great gift and savoring it doesn't require major goals and activities. I was an executive in tech.
When I first retired I sought endorphin highs from travel but after awhile I began to see why heroin addicts get a diminishing high from their drug and are constantly seeking to recreate that first high. Better to just enjoy the moment as much as possible while you still have them and put some effort in a moderate fashion building for the future.
I think “meaning” or “fulfillment” are better words than “purpose” because contentment can come in many forms, even ordinary day-to-day existence.
(that said, all these words are loaded regardless of their technical definition; “meaning” to someone else = exactly the same as “purpose”)
I retired a year ago and have been preaching this. Our society so focused on production and goal attainment. Retirement has been for me my first time as an adult to truly not worry about such things. No more performance reviews!